Over this past weekend, two tickets to the Super Bowl were punched. Both conference championship games went to overtime for the first time in NFL history, but not without some controversy. The Los Angeles Rams went down to the house that Drew Brees built, Katrina destroyed, and Drew Brees built and beat the New Orleans Saints on one of the most controversial no-calls of all time (Special thanks to SLIME BROS on YouTube for the clip). However, the AFC Championship Game would bring drama as well.
It was another 1-2 matchup as the haughty Patriots marched into the Chiefs’ home and wouldn’t get out of their faces. This game had its twists and turns as well, but a man that looks like this scored the game winning touchdown in overtime after the Patriots won the coin toss and elected to receive. Since the Patriots won another trip to the Super Bowl, the main story to come out of that game was about the current overtime rules and if they are fair. Of course they are fair, each team plays for 60 minutes and have multiple chances to avoid overtime in the first place. Once in overtime, the defense needs to make a stop to have a chance to win. While implementing college rules would be entertaining, the current rules are fair. But let’s be honest, after several hours of being on the field, having their brains scrambled into eggs, using the bathroom on the sidelines like Booger McFarland, and then hitting those egg brains even harder, the players can’t play at the same level.
This is a proposal to decide the winner of overtime games based on what stadium/city the game is being played in. The viewers will be more entertained, and the players don’t feel cheated. The rules are simple: the visiting team must complete a unique challenge based purely on geography and stereotypes. Complete the challenge, you win the game. Here are the win conditions:
AFC East
Gillette Stadium, New England Patriots
It’s a miracle that your team has made it this far. To catch this lightning in the bottle, the most emasculate player on your team, 3rd string QB, must watch Gillette’s new commercial without feeling guilty.
Hard Rock Stadium, Miami Dolphins
What is the most infamous event to happen at Miami’s football field? When former K Ray Finkle stole the Dolphin from the stadium under the disguise of a police Lieutenant. The only logical challenge is to have the 53 man roster swim in any of the Miami beaches during spring break for 30 minutes and have all of them get out without an STD.
New Era Field, Buffalo Bills
There’s one thing the Bills are known for. Not football, but Bills Mafia. Every player on the opposing team must wear a Tom Brady jersey in the parking lot for 10 minutes. After the table-smashing hell fest that is bound to happen, all of the Brady jerseys are stripped from the players and rung out into a bucket. If the amount of beer weighs more than the lightest fan at the stadium, which is <250 lbs, the Bills somehow win a football game.
MetLife Stadium, New York Jets
If you go into overtime against the Jets, you have already lost.
AFC North
M&T Bank Stadium, Baltimore Ravens
The Ravens derived their name from Edgar Allen Poe, so it’s only fitting their challenge revolves around one of his best stories. The visiting team must elect a player to kill an old man, store his body under the floorboards and listen to his beating heart overnight and if he doesn’t turn himself in, the team gets a W.
Heinz Field, Pittsburgh Steelers
I was originally going to make a joke about Bane and exploding the field, but that seemed vulgar. Not vulgar enough which is why the starting quarterback must clean Big Ben’s hotel room in a maid outfit and not letting Ben and the Killer B’s (his testicles) to score.
FirstEnergy Stadium, Cleveland Browns
I won’t dog on the Browns (that is not a pun), things are looking up for them. To win this game, you must hire Hue Jackson and win more than 3 games in 3 seasons. If that feat is accomplished, the tie is retroactively changed to a win.
Paul Brown Stadium, Cincinnati Bengals
After a long duel with a big group of tigers, the head coach must test his strength and desire to win. Bill Belichick would win this fight in 20 seconds tops. Kill the tiger, get the thumbs down from the Roman Emperor, cut Marvin Lewis’s head off and get one game closer to the Super Bowl.
AFC West
Arrowhead Stadium, Kansas City Chiefs
Something something Kareem Hunt kick something something Patrick Mahomes ketchup
???, Los Angeles Chargers
Nobody will be in the stands so it doesn’t matter.
Mile High Stadium, Denver Broncos
Like the rest of the AFC West, short and sweet, the 53 man roster must stomach down 10 Papa John’s pizzas and they win.
????????? Oakland/Las Vegas Raiders
Look at Mark Davis and don’t turn to stone.
AFC South
NRG Stadium, Houston Texans
Stick a quarter into Bill O’Brien’s chin. If a red gumball comes out, you win!
Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis Colts
I am a Colts fan. Objectively speaking, your team will win.
Nissan Stadium, Tennessee Titans
All 53 men on the roster must go through an Oklahoma drill with Mike Vrabel, who could still suit up. If at least 15 survive, you escape Nashville with a win.
TIAA Bank Field, Jacksonville Jaguars
The Jaguars have the best field in football. You can buy tickets to watch the game in a swimming pool. As a result, the visiting team must perform an impromptu synchronized swimming routine and score at least a 45 from a panel of 5 judges.
NFC East
AT&T Stadium, Dallas Cowboys
G͓et͕̫͔̳͈ ̶̱͈o̤̮̙̻̗͈̱u̩͙̜͇̪t̖̝ͅ ̟b̯͇͉̣e̜͕̙̰f͝o̺̫̞̥̣̟̣r̝̘̱ę̞̲̬̫̲̜͈ ̞̯͎̩̘͎J̥̯͈̤̝͢e͕̹r̟̭̝͝r͔ỵ̲̺ ̨̺̞̤͍̺f̤̫̗͉͕i͏̩̲nd̸̩̟͈̺s̵̭͖ ̘̼y̨o̝͙͎̼͝ư͔͍̜͈̰͙.
Lincoln Financial Field, Philadelphia Eagles
Simple. If Foles is QB you lose.
FedEx Field, Washington Redskins
Dan Snyder is mic’d up all game. If he goes the entire game without saying something offensive, you lose. Count this one as an automatic win.
MetLife Stadium, New York Giants
See Jets, New York.
NFC North
Soldier Field, Chicago Bears
Never forget when a baby faced guy named Cody screwed over America. Make Agent Cody Banks 3 you coward, Frankie Muniz! Oh, the game. Flip a coin I guess.
U.S. Bank Stadium, Minnesota Vikings
Everyone’s favorite quarterback, Purple Matthew Stafford, is impossible to figure out. He’s so lame, but Mike Zimmer almost cancels that out. Tie.
Lambeau Field, Green Bay Packers
Everybody always wins here until the State Farm commercials stop. Please make it stop.
Ford Field, Detroit Lions
You win.
NFC West
L.A. Memorial Coliseum, Los Angeles Rams
If your coach is younger and more attractive than Sean McVay, you win. Therefore, you lose.
CenturyLink Field, Seattle Seahawks
Russell Wilson is so dominant in the 4th quarter that you should count your blessings. Unfortunately, Jesus is on Russ’s side. Sorry.
Levi Stadium, San Francisco 49ers
Your team has taken a beating. They are all sweaty and washed up for the day, just like Jimmy G likes his women. You’re screwed.
University of Phoenix Stadium, Arizona Cardinals
Teams are 0-3 again the NFC West so far, can they turn it around here? The stadium is named after an online college, yes.
NFC South
Mercedes-Benz Superdome, New Orleans Saints
I feel bad for the hurricane joke, I should make it up with Saints fans. To leave New Orleans with a win is hard enough on its own. If your team makes it through the entire game without anybody bleeding from their ears after listening to the whistle man all game, you deserve a win.
Mercedes-Benz Stadium, Atlanta Falcons
The easy joke here is 28-3. But I feel bad about that. That is a heartbreaking loss, that Falcons fans will never forget. While you may have pleased real God by opening a Chick-Fil-A in your stadium, you have pissed off the Football Gods since it is closed for basically every home game you have. Falcons lose.
Bank of America Stadium, Carolina Panthers
Good luck winning against this strategy, dumbasses.
Raymond James Stadium, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Look at his hat. He also inherited a pirate ship with functioning cannons. Much like a mini game from Mario Party, avoid Bruce’s Balls for 30 seconds and your team gets a win and 10 coins.
That’s settled. This was a lengthy write-up but I’ll have a shortened version sent to the commissioner’s office by the end of the week. Follow me on Twitter @MaierWilliam.
Will's Words 