June Video Game Releases: A Summer of Fun

Mario Strikers: Battle League

Traditionally a slower timeframe for game releases, Summer 2022 is changing that narrative with a huge June catalog. Not only are there many exciting releases, but there is much variety among them from platform diversity to DLC for already great games. In case you hate anything new like Tinder bios being updated to Harry Styles’ lyrics, the Steam Summer Sale will begin at the end of the month. A future blog, “The Top 10 Games to Buy because Your Friends Said to Even Though You Will Never Play More than Twice” is in the works.

June 10: Fighting, Fighting, and Killing

Yes, these are ordered correctly.

With the NBA Finals hopefully in a tense back and forth, the game industry starts off June with a Mike Breen Bang. Demon Slayer – Kimetsu No Yaiba – The Hinokami Chronicles, The Quarry, and Mario Strikers: Battle League release this Friday. While The Quarry releases on every platform but the Switch, both Demon Slayer* and Mario Strikers: Battle League are Switch exclusives.

Demon Slayer features a story mode that follows the anime and a versus mode that can be played offline or online in a 2v2 setting. Both Japanese and English voice casts are a part of this game, but I swear on the Kamado family that I will not finish the Mugen Train level.

The spiritual successor to the hit game Until Dawn, The Quarry. A cinematic horror game that players get to influence the story of, The Quarry takes place on the last night of summer camp, where nine teenage counselors uncover spooky things. Teenagers at a summer camp in the middle of the woods? Horror? 2K Games? I am practically changing my pants already, surely this has never been done. Although I am not a fan of horror, the stories and branches of the interactive cinematic games are always interesting and seem to get more intricate as they come out. Perhaps I will read the endings on Wikipedia.

Despite Demon Slayer having swordfights with demons and The Quarry being a game where murder and violent deaths are both key mechanics and plot points, Mario Strikers: Battle League will be the bloodiest of these releases. Just in time for the World Cup, Strike seems to be the moneymaker here, a 5v5 game mode with no rules, crazy items, and score-stacking Hyper Strikes. Unfortunately, this means there will be no Sega Soccer Slam sequel anytime soon.

*Demon Slayer – Kimetsu No Yaiba – The Hinokami Chronicles will eventually release on all other current gen consoles

June 21-28: What?

THIS IS CJ’S OC PLEASE DO NOT COPY. THIS IS WILLIAM THE HEDGEHOG IT IS NOT SHADOW STOP SAYING IT’S SHADOW
  • June 21 – Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout
  • June 23 – Sonic Origins
  • June 24 – Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes, Capcom Fighting Collection
  • June 28 – MX vs ATV Legends

These releases are too scattered, so lumping them into a week seemed like the best. While Fall Guys has been a thing for months, it is being released on all platforms as free-to-play. Good thing I spent $15 on the game and another $20 to buy a Tyler “Ninja “Topless Wife during League of Legends with Unprovoked Sandwich”” Blevins headband. Bring back MIghty Beanz, but don’t eat what is inside. This will be a fun thing to pick up on a secondary console and play a few games here and there, especially with a new level editor and private games.

Sonic Origins is a collection that has Sonic the Hedgehog 1, 2, Sonic 3 & Knuckles, and Sonic CD all digitally remastered. Other than being able to switch between classic graphics and the new anniversary mode, a mode with a full screen display and infinite lives, nothing here stands out. Either remake Sonic Adventure 2 or make a new Sonic Riders game you cowards, time is ticking (Legally, this is not a threat).

I don’t know what is worse, another Fire Emblem game with the Three Houses crew or another Warriors game. Maybe intimate relations with dragons girls who are 3,000 years old but look 12 won’t be a big feature in this, so I will go with a Warriors game. Clearly, I am not a fan of the Warriors games, but the fact they keep getting made under various Nintendo flagship franchises prove that they are a hit.

MX vs ATV is not a franchise that I have thought about in many years, but I do remember having mindless fun with it. Legends offers a new career mode, which might be worth checking out, but if I can’t do a Rigor Mortis, turn upside-down in midair, then land on my outie belly button, I wouldn’t play this if they paid me to (please someone pay me).

June 30: Where is Ms. Chalice’s Onlyfans?

This is the only upskirt shot I can find from in-game footage. Look it up more if you want your life enhanced

The moment everyone(?) has been waiting for. The DLC for the beloved 2017 run-and-gun is finally coming, and appropriate 5 years later. As alluded to, this new story features a new playable character, Ms. Chalice. While Cuphead and Mugman play exactly alike, Ms. Chalice offers unique abilities which will hopefully provide a just as unique playing experience. The DLC also features new weapons, charms, and of course, new bosses. Who knows how much content will be in this, but if you enjoyed Cuphead, this will be a must-get. Maybe in 2027, we can play as Mr. King Dice. Regardless of how long the DLC will take to complete, I hope for fun content, and even more entertaining music.

You can find me online. Welp, see ya

Ranking NFL Coaches by Their Handshakes

Last night’s NFC North clinching victory by the Green Bay Packers over the Minnesota Vikings produced one of the best sports GIFs of the decade.

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While there are many things to be taken away from this game; Kirk Cousins’s 0-9 MNF record, the Vikings missing Dalvin Cook, or the Packers clinching the NFC North and being alive for the NFC’s #1 seed, the biggest thing that stood out to me was the post-game handshake.

What a “Fuck you” to Matt LaFleur. Zero eye contact, mumbled words that LaFleur didn’t hear, and the shoulder turn before the handshake even started. Mike Zimmer is one of football’s greatest characters and this just adds to his mystique.

While many seeds are up for grab in both conferences, let’s take a look at which coaches have the best and worst handshakes in the game.

Tier 1 – Kings

1. Mike Zimmer – Minnesota Vikings

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See GIF above. Zim is one of the toughest, if not the toughest, coach in football. No matter the result, he’s going to be pissed off and his handshake is going to reflect that. Win by 3? Lose by 20? You’re going to feel like a shell of yourself after exchanging pleasantries with Zimmer after the game. It’s only a matter of time before we see a Jim Schwartz kind of post-game interaction from Mike Zimmer.

2. Mike Vrabel – Tennessee Titans

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Vrabel is counting down the days that a coach starts beef with him so he can promptly put his ass into the turf. As a man who, according to Pardon My Take, would cut off his own dick for a Super Bowl, you better believe he is going to dominate that handshake. Much like the Titan’s offense, expect his handshake to be gritty, hard fought, and time-consuming.

3. Mike Tomlin – Pittsburgh Steelers

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Mike Tomlin’s handshake is something we’ll have to evaluate and prepare for next week. The standard is the standard. Also, his eyes look they they are ready to burst out of his head at any moment, which has to be frightening to see face to face.

4. Brian Flores – Miami Dolphins

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Look at this man. If he was your prom date’s father and he told you to have her back by 10, you’d have her home by 7:30. We’ve seen Flores get angry and speaking of eyes popping out of heads, I’m sure Adam Gase’s just exploded after seeing Flores storm towards him. When he isn’t looking for a referee to decapitate, Flores is definitely grabbing the elbow and giving a stern pull-in during handshakes.

Tier 2 – Pros

5. Matt Patricia – Detroit Lions

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The big guys are an interesting group as we’ll see moving forward. Patricia, however, breaks the mold and seems like he is ready to ram that pencil through someone’s eye after a close loss. With the Lions finishing another abysmal season, Patricia is likely taking his frustrations out on whomever’s hand is waiting at midfield for him.

6. Jon Gruden – Oakland Raiders

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The man is a lunatic. If he wins, he’s giving out a firm handshake and a gloating smirk. If he loses, Chucky is making an appearance.  He seems like he chats up the opposing coach and tells them how close the Raiders were to knocking their lights out. There’s also a 100% chance that his handshakes last an uncomfortable amount of time and the other coaches talk about it.

7. Sean McDermott

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Sean McDermott deserves to win Coach of the Year, but since his team is the #5 seed, that likely isn’t going to happen. In terms of personalities, he’s one of the more normal ones, but he’s a little hardcore. Being in the AFC East gives him a little brother mentality, making him think he can beat up on people twice his size, and he very well could. He’s gonna deal out a very firm handshake and show slight eye contact, making for a solid handshake.

8. Dan Quinn – Atlanta Falcons

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Let this serve as your reminder that Dan Quinn has not been fired. In fact, after week 15’s upset over the 49ers, he probably saved his job for another season. Dan Quinn looks like a tough guy, and wants everyone to think that he is. His handshakes are gonna be over the top and he’ll spend his whole press conference wondering if he squeezed the other coach’s hand hard enough or not.

9. Bill Belichick – New England Patriots

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Business as usual. Nothing too fancy and always shows the right amount of respect. If it’s a meaningful game, he’ll give the shake into hug, but is always going to be able the read the situation and give the appropriate handshake. Unfortunately, nobody in his coaching tree inherited his handshaking skill. However, I’m sure his son has.

10. Anthony Lynn – Los Angeles Chargers

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Tier 3 – Good

11. Doug Marrone – Jacksonville Jaguars

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The man sweats hot dog water. His handshakes have a direct correlation to a fried bologna sandwich. No matter where, how, or when you get it, it is going to be exactly the same. There is nothing memorable about it, for better or for worse. Marrone is definitely an imposing figure, but he has a subtle tone that quickly diffuses his tough look. He’ll give a respectable handshake, but not one to remember.

12. Bill O’Brien – Houston Texans

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Another phony. He gives a tough guy vibe, but as soon as you see the chin, the facade is ruined. O’Brien definitely says and does things that just make him sound tougher, like letting his star quarterback fight for his life behind a pathetic offensive line. When it comes to handshakes, there are two possibilities. He gives a firm handshake, but says something corny like, “we almost had ya!” Or he’ll mutter out a cool, “nice job out there. Good luck the rest of the way,” and completely botches the handshake.

13. Doug Pederson – Philadelphia Eagles

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Everyone’s crazy uncle. Interrupts the family dinner by proclaiming he took LSD with George Harrison in 1967. He’s gonna give a firm handshake, but he’s gonna say something preposterous. In the incredibly unlikely (Super Bowl 52) chance that he executes both, some other factor will ruin the handshake, like bad breath. Pederson is also a visor guy, which unless you’re golfing in 1920 or being bad at poker, is a bad look.

14. Sean Payton – New Orleans Saints

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His handshakes are solid, but there are two things that put him lower than he should be: wearing a visor, and having a butthole mouth. Anytime I see Sean Payton (when he isn’t yelling), he has his lips packed together super tight. If I was pathetically jogging across the field to shake his hand and saw a puckering asshole advancing towards me, I’m usually not looking forward to what is coming next.

15. Bruce Arians – Tampa Bay Buccaneers

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Arians is a football guy through and through, don’t get me wrong. But dressing like a method actor who hasn’t gotten a job in 40 years is going to knock you down a few pegs. He is also getting to an age where he starts to not give a fuck, much like Jameis Winston throwing a football.

17. Frank Reich – Indianapolis Colts

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Folks, it’s Christmas time and Santa Claus is coming to town. As a Colts fan, I will also be coming. Reich is going to give an admirable handshake, but he is going to treat the handshake like it is a contest that he has to win. Walking across the field, he’ll be scanning the coach for how to attack his weak points and come out on top. Reich is gonna put too much effort into his handshakes and coaches are not going to look forward to it.

18. Vic Fangio – Denver Broncos

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Vic Fangio smells like sausage and cheese. There is no need to fact check it, because it’s true. Fangio is a grumpy old fellow that doesn’t care for handshakes. Even in the 1930s, when he grew up, he’d stick with a pat on the shoulder and only go for a handshake if one is reached out towards him. It’s also safe to say the Fangio doesn’t hear a single word at midfield and just mumbles something under his breath as a response, just like my father.

19. Pete Carroll – Seattle Seahawks

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There’s one thing that separates Pete Carroll’s smile from the rest; minty freshness. Carroll has been working his pearly chompers for well over 50 years and he’s not afraid to show them off. While his breath is a pleasant surprise after a few excruciating hours of football, Carroll is way too eager to embrace the other coach. It wouldn’t surprise anyone if he tried to plant a smooch on Kliff Kingsbury after getting embarrassed by the Cardinals, as if that will happen anytime soon.

20. John Harbaugh – Baltimore Ravens

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The standard. Everyone above him is good, but it’s all downhill from here. Switching from Joe Flacco to MVP Lamar Jackson has definitely improved his dap game.

Tier 4 – Bad

21. Jason Garrett – Dallas Cowboys

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You would think that someone who uses their hands even half as much as Garrett would be a great shaker of hands. Fortunately, everyone can see through his smokescreen and realize that he is a dumbass. He also has piercing eyes which don’t help his case. Maybe he can spend next season working on that, assuming he has free time.

22. Adam Gase – New York Jets

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How does this human have a job?

Tier 5 – Pretty Boys

23. Kyle Shanahan – San Francisco 49ers

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The ‘Pretty Boys’ all have a common factor – the coach on the other side of the handshake has disdain for them since not only are they better looking, but generally know more about football than them as well. There must be something special in that west coast water.

24. Matt LaFleur – Green Bay Packers

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Despite getting owned my Mike Zimmer after Monday night’s game, LaFleur handled the handshake in stride, so hats off to him. But people are wondering about the handshakes with LaFleur and Rodgers? Are they getting along? Reports out of camp is that their handshakes are not going smoothly? How will that affect the Packers?

25. Kliff Kingsbury – Arizona Cardinals

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The newest Pretty Boy in town. No doubt that when he meets the other coach at midfield, he wants to impress the fuck out of them. Good for him, the other coaches already hate his guts. Maybe he should have spent some more time shaking hands in college before he came to the big league.

26. Sean McVay – Los Angeles Rams

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The OG Pretty Boy. The reason he is the lowest of the bunch is that he’s keeping an internal database on everyone else’s handshakes and game plans for what he’s going to do. Unfortunately for him, Kliff Kingsbury doesn’t have much film out there for McVay to memorize. McVay will have all postseason to study the whole league’s movements.

Tier 6 – Stinky

27. Matt Nagy – Chicago Bears

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This is the only thing that Matt Nagy is beating Andy Reid in, other than BMI. Nagy’s tenure in Chicago has been terrible, and so has Mitchell Trubisky. The talent is there to have good handshakes, but with Nagy at the helm, nothing is going to get done.

28. Pat Shurmur – New York Giants

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Pat Shurmur is the softest coach in the league (metaphorically). Obviously Eli and Danny Dimes’s skim-milk asses aren’t doing anything to help his cause, but Shurmur has no room to grow. Even if he is lucky enough to win on the field, he will get a loss during the handshake. It is surprising that his brittle bones haven’t been snapped during a post-game handshake. Maybe he’ll have a job long enough to have that happen.

29. Andy Reid – Kansas City Chiefs

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Andy Reid is the softest coach in the league (physically). His handshakes are sweaty, greasy, gelatinous, chocolaty, and peanut-buttery. There’s also a good chance that there is some snot residue in the mix as well. He’s so happy after winning that I don’t think he cares how the handshake goes.

Tier 7 – Shit

30. Freddie Kitchens – Cleveland Browns

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Just fire him.

31. Bill Callahan – Washington Redskins

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Unless you’re a fan of Nebraska Cornhusker football (you poor bastard), I guarantee this was the first time you’ve seen this human. Even after googling his name, I had to search ‘Bruce Callahan Redskins’ just to get this guy. He inhales Werther’s Originals on the sideline and will steal years off your life if you touch him.

32. Zac Taylor – Cincinnati Bengals

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Do you think this is Zac Taylor? It is, but would it surprise you if it wasn’t? Does Zac Taylor know what a clitoris is? The man is a softie and expresses his fear in his handshakes. Dude has to give the weakest handshakes of all time, and everyone knows it. Maybe Joe Burrow will help him out a bit. The Bengals could go a respectable, for the Bengals, 6-10 and Taylor will still act like a prepubescent while greeting the other coach.

That’s it. That’s every current coach for every 32 teams. No need to check.

 

Clash of the Decade: Ranking the Mountain Dew Flavors

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Mountain Dew, pardon me, Mtn Dew is for winners (and losers). Many try to copy it, but none can reproduce this sweet nectar from PepsiCo. Here in 2019, people will fight about anything. With a presidential election just around the corner, several ‘GOAT’ debates across sports, and new movie and TV revivals that nobody is asking for, people are searching for things to fight about. My friends, Jason and Ben, and I decided to swim into murky water and go where no one else would dare go. Which flavor of Mountain Dew is the best? We created our own rankings then averaged each flavor’s rank to create the most conversation-sparking list of all time (suck it, Schindler).

CAUTION – We are from the Midwest, so anytime we use the word “pop,” substitute your word for it.

1. Baja Blast

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Will – There hasn’t been a more obvious Number One overall pick since LeBron James. Not only does it have the best taste, but also the best ambiance. Baja Blast was once only available at Taco Bell, so while you’re inhaling crunchwraps and tacos, Baja Blast is there as a perfect chaser and dye for what filth is going to exit your body in a few hours.

JasonI’m a big tropical flavor fan, so Mtn. Dew’s introduction of Baja Blast to the retail market was basically the most important event in my lifetime. No stop at Taco Bell has ever been complete without a couple of these babies to wash down my 3-4 burritos. “Blast” became available in stores just in time for high school grad parties and was a staple in our hometown. It was a liquid symbol of good times with good friends before beer and liquor, and it still holds water as a legitimate substitute.

BenIs there anything more disappointing than filling up a “water cup” at Taco Bell with the sugary ‘sus’ known as Baja Blast, only to find out that the syrup for the soda machine ran out? No? It’s #1 then.

 

2. Supernova

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Will – I’m a big red fruit soda guy. My go-to at a Coke Freestyle machine is half Peach Fanta, half Fruit Punch Fanta. One time I spilled strawberry pop on Jason’s iPod so I am surprised he has Supernova this high.

Jason – *Timmy’s Dad from Fairly OddParents’ voice when he’s saying “Dinkelberg”* : Strawberry……. Yeah, Will managed to disable both my phone and iPod touch (circa 2013) with the Red Menace itself: Strawberry Fanta. The best part is that we were at Cedar Point, America’s Roller Coast, and I had no method of communication with the outside world for that day and the subsequent day or two.

Now onto the review. For me, the melon flavor combined with the strawberry/citrus flavors is a winning result. During the first DEWmocracy competition, as a young whippa’ snappa’, I didn’t appreciate this flavor for what it was. When they brought it back a few years ago is when it became a favorite of mine. I’d contend that “SuperNova” is also an elite beverage name.

BenAs the dorks say, this is an “S” tier flavor. “S” standing for “snubbed,” “super tasty,” and “should have won the first DEWmocracy.” No, I’m not still mad about it, shut up.

3. Mountain Dew

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Will – OG. Original Gangster. A staple in the food pyramid. There are few things I enjoy in life more than sipping on a chilled Mountain Dew on a hot summer day. It cools me off, quenches my thirst, and gives me the energy to say inside for the rest of the day.

JasonMy go-to order at restaurants, dry-events, and everywhere in between. Can I just point out the fact Original Mountain Dew is head and shoulders the best tasting Citrus soda ever conceived? From gaming, to refreshing on a hot day, to re-hydrating after an intense basketball game, Mtn Dew is the one and only perfect (widely available) solution.

BenThe classic. Just looking at this bottle teleports me back to middle school. Good times. Call of Duty, Little-League Baseball, gym class, please stop hitting me Craig.

4. DEW S A

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Will – What happens when you mix Code Red, White Out, and Voltage into one bottle? A Bruce Springsteen concert in your mouth. This is not the first time I have referenced Bruce Springsteen being inside me, and it won’t be the last.

JasonThis shit just fucking slaps, m8. The scientists at the Mtn Dew labs got a little horny one day and decided to watch some steamy threesomes together (they have a Brazzers subscription). This inspired the creation of a USA themed Dew flavor that simply lives up to the hype.

BenDEW-S-A is so good it deserves 12 Fighter Pilot flyovers, 11 Call of Duty Black Ops Games, 10 Bill of Rights Amendments, 9 hours of fireworks, 8 Regis Philbins, 7 Central American Coups, 6 more years of Tom Brady, 5 National Anthems, 4 years of undergraduate student loans, 3 flavors colliding, 2 atomic bombs, and a Twinkie-Crusted Deep-Fried Apple Pie sitting on a truck bed in Dubuque, Iowa.

5. Code Red

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Will – I had Code Red at #2 overall on my list. I don’t care for cherries that much, but artificial cherry flavoring? Sign me up. I must have inherited the taste for cherries from my aunt, who would cry when she couldn’t get her cherry dip on her vanilla ice cream cone. I inherited that trait as well.

JasonThe flavor that’s stood the test of time and has always been there as the first name in Mtn Dew variations. Code Red isn’t as unique as some of the flavors on this list, but it has earned my respect and admiration. It’s important to have one of these from time to time as a token of gratitude for the doors it has opened for other flavors.

BenBack in the day, Code Red reigned supreme over other cherry sodas like Cherry-Coke and Cherry 7-up. These days, it’s not my first choice. Thank you for your service, he’ll (↓) take it from here.

6. Voltage

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Will – In 2008 there was an election in the United States that would shape our nation forever. We have never had a leader of this color before, and some were skeptical where it came from. Of course I’m talking about when Voltage came out of the DEWmocracy contest and took over neighborhood fridges by storm.

JasonThis was the most badass flavor growing up for a few reasons. Number one, it was the winner of DEWmocracy I. I cared about that election significantly more than that other one of the same year that involved some deathly looking guy and Osama Bin Laden (correct me if I am wrong). Second, people finally had a blue pop that was worth its salt. Blue Fanta is underwhelming and Cotton Candy soda is a damn abomination. Blue raspberry has always been able to make other flavors jealous of it. This Dew flavor has a real nice kick to it and the proper flavor balance to make it worthy of carrying the Mountain Dew name.

BenZzt. The third best flavor of the first DEWmocracy. Zzt. Yet still pretty darnt good. Zzt. Blue raspberries don’t exist but this drink is electric. Zzt.

7. Dewshine

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Will – Scientists have proven that everything tastes better out of a glass bottle (NY Times). The fact that it comes in a glass bottle is enough for me to put it in the top 10.

JasonThere’s so much I could say about what Dewshine means to me. Drinking it out of a glass bottle with your buds over a game of Euchre or ping pong is a feeling that’s second to none. The secret ingredient is real moonshiner piss. Don’t ask me why it’s so delightful.

BenIt tastes like a syrupy 7-up, but you look cool while drinking it. We’re all about        A E S T H E T I C S.

8. White Out

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Will – After the riots from the first DEWmocracy stopped, the bastards at PepsiCo did it again. White Out was the winner of DEWmocracy: Collective Intelligence, barely edging out Typhoon (more later). The third flavor in that promotion shall not be named.

JasonA truly innovative flavor of Mtn Dew for those who can’t handle the spicy punch in the mouth that most Dew flavors have. It’s easily the most mellow flavor and goes down really quickly. This would be my go-to pop to shotgun.

BenHarvested from the snowy tops of Mt. Saint Helens, this drink has a crisp taste and a smooth pyroclastic flow.

9. Throwback

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WillI just learned that it is called Mount St. Helens, not Mount St. Helen. A classic, but doesn’t have that magic. Also, screw that moonshiner. He keeps asking to tickle my wife’s innards, and while I appreciate the gesture, I must decline his request.

JasonThis basically tastes the same as the current Mountain Dew. I select one of these puppies over the regular on days I’m feeling alternative and anti-establishment.

BenReally can’t tell the difference between this and classic. I don’t think replacing synthesized sugar with real sugar makes much of a difference. I guess real sugar rots your teeth like a true West Virginian moonshiner.

10. Revolution

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Will – This is what George Washington was thinking when he crossed the Delaware. “It may be Christmas, and we may slaughter thousands of Hessians, but I could go for a blue Mountain Dew with a pinch of Ginseng.” There’s a reason he was the first president, folks.

JasonReally wish this flavor would have stuck. It done been a minute since I’ve had one of these, but this was almost as good as Voltage. It’s rumored that this is what all the Russians mixed with their vodka during their Communist Manifesto.

BenCurrent geriatric Bernie Sanders is calling for a revolution. I think this is what he means. Let’s raise taxes on the 1% to bring this flavor back. You can’t have a DEWmocracy or even a DEW-S-A without a revolution folks.

11. Typhoon

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Will – As mentioned earlier, Typhoon barely lost to White Out, which is a shame. Mountain Dew with a tropical twist doesn’t sound too appetizing, but it was surprisingly good. I would love a rerun.

JasonNever had this flavor, wish I would have tried it when I had the chance. Looks like GameFuel to me, which is just alright.

BenWill’s opinion is wrong. Typhoon is a bad flavor and a corny waterslide name.

12. LiveWire

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Will – No, this is not a music downloading service. I don’t think LiveWire is incredible, but I think it is underappreciated. It’s not in the same conversation as Orange Crush or Orange Fanta, but it holds its own. Fruit sodas are underrated in general, but orange flavored Mountain Dew is darn good.

JasonI think LiveWire’s taste needs a little tweak. To be quite honest, I’m surprised this flavor hasn’t been discontinued. Never once seen a passer-by partaking in one of these. It’s not the worst flavor, but it is definitely not one that I crave.

BenYeah orange is cool, but literally the third ingredient in classic Mountain Dew is orange juice. Stop trying to ride his wave #Bozo.

13. White Label

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Will – Hand up, I’ve never had this. I thought they were trying to be artsy and so I never bothered. Green Label is disgusting and scared me from trying the other flavors. If I’m at a convenience store looking for a drink to cool me down, I’m glossing right over this and looking for real Mountain Dew.

JasonI am here for this flavor. The white and black label Mtn. Dews are largely unknown to the public, but I really like this one. It’s mysteriously exotic, like that night I spent in Johannesburg where I took some pills and woke up on top of a temple in Sri Lanka.

BenI’ve had both White and Black label. I can’t remember what they taste like. I don’t think they were bad though. Points off for making me think this is a 4loko.

14. Black Label

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Will – I haven’t had this either, but I wanted it ahead of White Label. I don’t see color and I think I deserve a pat on the back for that. While it’s true I haven’t had White or Black label, I think they must be judged fairly regardless of color. I was young and dumb when I tweeted what I did about black labelled sodas but I have changed. I drink plenty of black labelled sodas!

JasonThis one is good, not great. I usually prefer the lighter colored fruits to the darker colors, and the liquid itself is a dark red/purple. If you haven’t, you should give these a go.

BenApparently Mtn. Dew Green Label is a thing now. Aren’t all Dew labels green?

15. Diet Mountain Dew

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Will – I have been brainwashed into thinking this is good. Growing up as a child, I thought that drinking this instead of regular Mountain Dew would make me healthy. I was very wrong. I am very fat. It is not true.

JasonThe one diet pop that manages to not be calorie free. This is the closest thing to radioactive slime that any company produces. I drank plenty of these as a youth because my mom bought them for my dad. I’ve learned since that they’re not actually good tasting. I would still drink one and enjoy it to an extent if that’s all there was.

BenStop lying to yourself, pop is bad. Personally, I prefer mine with more taste and less chemicals. Just take comfort in that each sip will make you die a little bit sooner.

16. Spiked Lemonade

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Will – Many layers to unwrap here. First of all, this sounds like an alcoholic beverage. Second, it states that it is non-alcoholic fairly large on the can. Third, I don’t like lemonade. Fourth, prickly pear cactus juice? If I wanted to shred my mouth up like that, I’d invite Bruce Springsteen over for another concert.

JasonThis is also a Mountain Dew that I first tried at a Taco Bell fountain.  This one is actually lemonade flavored and I’m truly a fan of it. It has a sharpness to it and a hint of bitterness that makes it one of the more unique Dews.

BenThe third can on this list that looks like a 4loko knock-off. The lemonade 4loko tastes like battery acid so why would I want to try this?

17. ICE

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Will – If I want a lemon lime soda, it’s not going to be a Mountain Dew.

JasonIt’s somewhere between Sierra Mist and Mountain Dew. My roommate thought it was hilarious to hand me the two-liter of this and tell me I was “Iced”. It was funny the first time, not the 15th time.

BenDrip-splash like the ice on my wrist. Mountain Dew, I like the Migos, but stop trying to step on 7up’s or Sprite’s turf. They just do lemon-lime better.

18. Caffeine Free

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Will – Everything about this sucks. The nasty brown coloring they use for the label and the cap is nauseating, and without caffeine in our Mountain Dew we wouldn’t have this cinematic masterpiece.

Jason – Mountain Dew is for those who would like to damage their bodies and get a jolt of energy in the process. This version is just pointless and has no backbone.

BenThe O’Douls of Mountain Dew. What’s the point?

19. Sangrita Blast

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Will – Every beautiful statue has a dark shadow hiding behind it. Sangrita blast was a Taco Bell exclusive like Baja Blast, but that is the only similarity they have. The whole time we were working on this, we all thought it was ‘Sangria’ blast, and I’m still not convinced that it isn’t.

JasonI honestly do not remember exactly what this tastes like. It had no business competing with Baja Blast, that’s all I remember. I recall mixing Baja Blast with Sangriya Blast and Mango Brisk from the T-Bell fountain as a favorite suicide.

BenAbsolute disrespect placing this soda under Diet and Caffeine-Free Dew. It doesn’t deserve it, but who seriously buys this over Baja Blast?

20. Pitch Black

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Will – It’s purple.

JasonI want to like this every time I try it thinking it will get better. I don’t end up finishing it. For some reason there’s just an undrinkable element within, especially out of a fountain. I’ll probably try it again at some point.

BenI like it, but no one likes me. So by the transitive property no one thinks this soda is very good.

 

Our work here is done. Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. Let’s all be thankful that we exist at the same time of Mountain Dew and all of its flavors. Next week we’ll either be discussing frozen pizza brands or abortion and the constitutionality of Roe v Wade. Follow us on Twitter @MaierWilliam, @JasonMatcham and @BenGramza for more.

 

A Solution to the NFL’s Overtime ‘Problem’

Over this past weekend, two tickets to the Super Bowl were punched. Both conference championship games went to overtime for the first time in NFL history, but not without some controversy. The Los Angeles Rams went down to the house that Drew Brees built, Katrina destroyed, and Drew Brees built and beat the New Orleans Saints on one of the most controversial no-calls of all time (Special thanks to SLIME BROS on YouTube for the clip). However, the AFC Championship Game would bring drama as well.

It was another 1-2 matchup as the haughty Patriots marched into the Chiefs’ home and wouldn’t get out of their faces. This game had its twists and turns as well, but a man that looks like this scored the game winning touchdown in overtime after the Patriots won the coin toss and elected to receive. Since the Patriots won another trip to the Super Bowl, the main story to come out of that game was about the current overtime rules and if they are fair. Of course they are fair, each team plays for 60 minutes and have multiple chances to avoid overtime in the first place. Once in overtime, the defense needs to make a stop to have a chance to win. While implementing college rules would be entertaining, the current rules are fair. But let’s be honest, after several hours of being on the field, having their brains scrambled into eggs, using the bathroom on the sidelines like Booger McFarland, and then hitting those egg brains even harder, the players can’t play at the same level.

This is a proposal to decide the winner of overtime games based on what stadium/city the game is being played in. The viewers will be more entertained, and the players don’t feel cheated. The rules are simple: the visiting team must complete a  unique challenge based purely on geography and stereotypes. Complete the challenge, you win the game. Here are the win conditions:

AFC East

Gillette Stadium, New England Patriots

It’s a miracle that your team has made it this far. To catch this lightning in the bottle, the most emasculate player on your team, 3rd string QB, must watch Gillette’s new commercial without feeling guilty.

Hard Rock Stadium, Miami Dolphins

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What is the most infamous event to happen at Miami’s football field? When former K Ray Finkle stole the Dolphin from the stadium under the disguise of a police Lieutenant. The only logical challenge is to have the 53 man roster swim in any of the Miami beaches during spring break for 30 minutes and have all of them get out without an STD.

New Era Field, Buffalo Bills

There’s one thing the Bills are known for. Not football, but Bills Mafia. Every player on the opposing team must wear a Tom Brady jersey in the parking lot for 10 minutes. After the table-smashing hell fest that is bound to happen, all of the Brady jerseys are stripped from the players and rung out into a bucket. If the amount of beer weighs more than the lightest fan at the stadium, which is <250 lbs, the Bills somehow win a football game.

MetLife Stadium, New York Jets

If you go into overtime against the Jets, you have already lost.

AFC North

M&T Bank Stadium, Baltimore Ravens

The Ravens derived their name from Edgar Allen Poe, so it’s only fitting their challenge revolves around one of his best stories. The visiting team must elect a player to kill an old man, store his body under the floorboards and listen to his beating heart overnight and if he doesn’t turn himself in, the team gets a W.

Heinz Field, Pittsburgh Steelers

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I was originally going to make a joke about Bane and exploding the field, but that seemed vulgar. Not vulgar enough which is why the starting quarterback must clean Big Ben’s hotel room in a maid outfit and not letting Ben and the Killer B’s (his testicles) to score.

FirstEnergy Stadium, Cleveland Browns

I won’t dog on the Browns (that is not a pun), things are looking up for them. To win this game, you must hire Hue Jackson and win more than 3 games in 3 seasons. If that feat is accomplished, the tie is retroactively changed to a win.

Paul Brown Stadium, Cincinnati Bengals

After a long duel with a big group of tigers, the head coach must test his strength and desire to win. Bill Belichick would win this fight in 20 seconds tops. Kill the tiger, get the thumbs down from the Roman Emperor, cut Marvin Lewis’s head off and get one game closer to the Super Bowl.

AFC West

Arrowhead Stadium, Kansas City Chiefs

Something something Kareem Hunt kick something something Patrick Mahomes ketchup

???, Los Angeles Chargers

Nobody will be in the stands so it doesn’t matter.

Mile High Stadium, Denver Broncos

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Like the rest of the AFC West, short and sweet, the 53 man roster must stomach down 10 Papa John’s pizzas and they win.

????????? Oakland/Las Vegas Raiders

Look at Mark Davis and don’t turn to stone.

AFC South

NRG Stadium, Houston Texans

Stick a quarter into Bill O’Brien’s chin. If a red gumball comes out, you win!

Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis Colts

I am a Colts fan. Objectively speaking, your team will win.

Nissan Stadium, Tennessee Titans

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All 53 men on the roster must go through an Oklahoma drill with Mike Vrabel, who could still suit up. If at least 15 survive, you escape Nashville with a win.

TIAA Bank Field, Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars have the best field in football. You can buy tickets to watch the game in a swimming pool. As a result, the visiting team must perform an impromptu synchronized swimming routine and score at least a 45 from a panel of 5 judges.

NFC East

AT&T Stadium, Dallas Cowboys

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Lincoln Financial Field, Philadelphia Eagles

Simple. If Foles is QB you lose.

FedEx Field, Washington Redskins

Dan Snyder is mic’d up all game. If he goes the entire game without saying something offensive, you lose. Count this one as an automatic win.

MetLife Stadium, New York Giants

See Jets, New York.

NFC North

Soldier Field, Chicago Bears

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Never forget when a baby faced guy named Cody screwed over America. Make Agent Cody Banks 3 you coward, Frankie Muniz! Oh, the game. Flip a coin I guess.

U.S. Bank Stadium, Minnesota Vikings

Everyone’s favorite quarterback, Purple Matthew Stafford, is impossible to figure out. He’s so lame, but Mike Zimmer almost cancels that out. Tie.

Lambeau Field, Green Bay Packers

Everybody always wins here until the State Farm commercials stop. Please make it stop.

Ford Field, Detroit Lions

You win.

NFC West

L.A. Memorial Coliseum, Los Angeles Rams

If your coach is younger and more attractive than Sean McVay, you win. Therefore, you lose.

CenturyLink Field, Seattle Seahawks

Russell Wilson is so dominant in the 4th quarter that you should count your blessings. Unfortunately, Jesus is on Russ’s side. Sorry.

Levi Stadium, San Francisco 49ers

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Your team has taken a beating. They are all sweaty and washed up for the day, just like Jimmy G likes his women. You’re screwed.

University of Phoenix Stadium, Arizona Cardinals

Teams are 0-3 again the NFC West so far, can they turn it around here? The stadium is named after an online college, yes.

NFC South

Mercedes-Benz Superdome, New Orleans Saints

I feel bad for the hurricane joke, I should make it up with Saints fans. To leave New Orleans with a win is hard enough on its own. If your team makes it through the entire game without anybody bleeding from their ears after listening to the whistle man all game, you deserve a win.

Mercedes-Benz Stadium, Atlanta Falcons

The easy joke here is 28-3. But I feel bad about that. That is a heartbreaking loss, that Falcons fans will never forget. While you may have pleased real God by opening a Chick-Fil-A in your stadium, you have pissed off the Football Gods since it is closed for basically every home game you have. Falcons lose.

Bank of America Stadium, Carolina Panthers

Good luck winning against this strategy, dumbasses.

Raymond James Stadium, Tampa Bay Buccaneers

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Look at his hat. He also inherited a pirate ship with functioning cannons. Much like a mini game from Mario Party, avoid Bruce’s Balls for 30 seconds and your team gets a win and 10 coins.

 

That’s settled. This was a lengthy write-up but I’ll have a shortened version sent to the commissioner’s office by the end of the week. Follow me on Twitter @MaierWilliam.